This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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