Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
