he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
