I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
