He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
