I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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