you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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