i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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