TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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