If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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