You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
