in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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