He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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