You smell like a Billy Joel song
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
