My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
