i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
