girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
is it fun? or sober?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
