My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
