1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
