I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
