Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
