cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
