Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
