I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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