Already got asked if we're dating
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
