why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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