Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
