Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm really busy with my period
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