Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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