Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
