i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize