Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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