What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
