Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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