Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
