Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
