i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
