Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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