Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
