READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
You can't special order awesome
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
