peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
