I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
