you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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