anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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