On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
