I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
