so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
