I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
