Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize