she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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