I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
