On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just cut my nipple shaving
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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