there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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