dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
