I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
