Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
