I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize