Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
