I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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