bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
