Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
